Your face is a jimmy john
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My penis needs a shock collar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
