I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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