I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
