I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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