How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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