after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
