If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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