what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
They took my balls.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
