My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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