i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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