I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
