Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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