It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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