im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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