We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
