Just fell off a train. Bad.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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