I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my poor anus
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
