So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
