you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
