Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
