Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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