when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
