Swine flu. Run for my life!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So apparently I’m into choking now
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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