I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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