Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drake has all the answers
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
