If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
