I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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