Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
