Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
