I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
