I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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