im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
