I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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