my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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