they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
