Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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