i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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