Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
