I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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