I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
