I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
