this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
