I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
