feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Randomize
