I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
