I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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