The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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