Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
