Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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