My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Im part way to drunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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