New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
