I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
