I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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